Because No Was Never Right
by caspersfriendlyghost
Summary: Beca examines her life and feelings for Chloe while they watch a movie. (Basically a result from writing at 2 am. I wrote this while listening to Land Locked Blues, Poison Oak, and First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes. Listening to the songs while reading this might make a difference. I'm sorry if this makes anyone emotional. I just write what I feel.)


"Are you good with this one?", Chloe says as she points to one of her favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally.

"Yeah. That's fine. Put it in", I reply while she gets the DVD and dims the lights in my dorm room.

I don't know why I agreed to watch a movie with her. Sometimes she just says things to me and asks me things that I physically can't say no to. I don't know why either.

We start watching the movie. Chloe gets really into movies when she watches them. Her eyes watch the characters very intently and she listens to the words so closely it's almost like she is trying to be in the story.

She said she loves this movie because of the romance. Because of their underlying love for each other. She said that's always the best part of romances. When people go through so much together just to figure out that they really do love each other.

The movie continues and I start to zone out. Not just zone out, but zone out on Chloe. I start to examine her just like she does with the characters in the movie. What is it about her that makes my stomach twist? I think of this question _every time_ I look at her.

Her eyes are the most beautiful shade of blue I've ever seen. It reminds me of the ocean, but also of the sky. It makes me feel like the ocean is just a reflection of the sky and that the world is interchangeable. I get lost in her eyes. They aren't just her eyes, they are her soul. They see everything, they know everything, and they experience everything. They've been there since the beginning, looking past the bad and for the good.

I travel from her eyes to her lips. She always keeps her lips closed tightly together. They're very tense. Almost like they are holding her life in place. Almost like they are hesitant to open. To speak. To reply. To return. They are a bright shade of pink. Soft. Inviting. Warm. Moist. Lovely._ Lovely. _Lovely is the word that sticks. It sticks with me the whole time I look at Chloe. She is lovely. Chloe is _lovely._

I come back. I wonder why I started staring at her. It was only for a few seconds, yet my heart feels like someone just ripped it out, popped it, and stuck it back in. Why do I feel so many things for this girl. Things that I can't even think to explain.

Even though I haven't been paying much attention to the movie, I can see it's getting intense. Sad, almost. Chloe shifts her self towards me and lays down on my shoulder and upper chest. She continues to watch the movie as if nothing happened. How can she be so comfortable with me. How can she just shift her self towards me and think nothing of it. How can she just lay there and feel _nothing_.

I look over at her. She is looking so intently at the movie, it seems like nothing can distract her. I continue to stare down at her. I see a tear stream down her face. Now one from each eye. I want to rub her face. I want to remove her sadness. My body is paralyzed. I want to touch her warm and soft skin. I want to rub her pink cheeks. I want to tell her that everything is okay. That everything will be okay. But I can't. Because I can't move. Because fear has taken over me. Because fear is who I am. Because I feel things for someone that I shouldn't. Because I am just a stupid girl. A stupid girl with fear of her feelings. A stupid girl that knows nothing about this girl. She could be thinking about true love with an old high school crush, while I think about every way to describe how perfect she is. I want to hold her. I want to comfort her. I want to love her. Because_ I love her._

I feel something. Something wet on my face. A tear. Tears stream down my face just as they streamed down Chloe's. But not for the same reason. It will never be for the same reason. Because she will never love me. She will never see me as anything more than she does right now. She will never feel the way I do.

I look back up at the movie. I realize Harry and Sally had a happy ending. But I'm still crying. I want to rub the tears away from my face, but I am still paralyzed. I close my eyes instead. I close my eyes tightly and try to think of something different. Try to forget about Chloe and her beautiful blue eyes. Her soft pink inviting lips. Her perfectly rose colored cheeks.

Then I feel something. Warmth. Warmth on my cheek. I feel something rub away my tears. I open my eyes and see her eyes. Her thumb pressed gently against my cheek wiping away my sorrow. I force my self to move. I grab her hand.

"You don't have to do that, you know", I say to her.

"But I want to", Chloe replies with a warm smile.

She_ wants_ to.

Before I can react, she hugs me. She's so warm. I slowly wrap my arms around her. I try not to hold her so tight because I want her to be comfortable. I want her to be content. I close my eyes again. I close them so something good can happy again. I close them so I know I'm not in a dream. I want this to be real. I hope this is real. This_needs_ to be real.

I can feel her delicate hands gripping the back of my shoulder blades. Her head is resting prominently on my shoulder and her cheek is pressed right up against my ear. Then I feel a release. My eyes are still closed. I refuse to open them. My body is as tense as her lips. Maybe even more.

Then I feel sudden pressure. Pressure on my lips. It catches me off guard. I wonder what is happening, but I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to open my eyes because I want to live in this moment forever. What ever this moment is. I realize that they are her lips producing the pressure. Her lips pressed against mine. I hesitate. A chill is sent down my spine. Her lips are so soft. My lips start to tingle. So I kiss her back. I kiss her back because I know it's what I want. I kiss her back because I know it is right. And I want her to know. This sudden touch feels so secure. So prominent. So _right_.

I feel her release herself. I sense her lips slowly move to my ear. I feel her cheek press up against mine. Her hand calmly clutches my thigh. I can sense my hands wanting to feel her too. Wanting to touch her temperate body. But my eyes are still closed. And my body is still incompetent of any movement.

"I love you, Beca Mitchell. I love you and I want you to know", Chloe whispers gently.

Another shiver is sent down my spine. I try to breathe, but my breath is cut off. Silence engulfs me. But then I feel it. A tear. Another tear sheds down my face. But not the same tear as before. This is a good tear. This tear is filled with my worries. My fear is released from within me. And I open my eyes, being welcomed into her crystal blue souls. I look at her lips, open and smiling full because of me._ Me_. I smile right back at her. Because I realize this isn't a dream. This is reality. And saying no was never the right answer.


End file.
